Subject: Fathers-Loving their wives
From: "Fatherhood Foundation" <[email-masked]>
To: "Warwick Marsh" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 8 Feb 2004 14:40:47 +1000

Issue No. 76-9th February, 2004

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Dads with Young Children

Grandads

Laughter

Single Dads

Special Feature

Thought for the Week

News & Info

Dad's Prayer

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Welcome to fathersonline.org

Dear Warwick,

In a matter of days we celebrate Valentine’s Day by sending a card to the love of our life, buying flowers, chocolates, ‘candy’ or a host of other things to ‘prove’ our love for our one true love.  Some people hate the rampant commercialism whilst others among us go along for the ride.  I myself think that any custom that provokes us to keep the flame of love alive has got to be a good one.  But how did it all start?

The history of Valentines Day is shrouded in mystery.  Some say it has its origins in an ancient Roman custom associated with youthful expression of love. Valentines Day is derived from the name of St Valentine who was a devout Christian living during the reign of Emperor Claudius II.  Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military campaigns.  He believed that the reason was that Roman men did not want to leave their loves or families in order to go to war.  As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome.  Valentine and Marius, who were the equivalent of modern day priests or Christian ministers, refused to obey this unjust and ridiculous edict.  Valentine and others with him continued to aid their fellow Christian martyrs and secretly married couples who wanted to pledge their troth in marriage.  For this act of kindness Valentine was put in prison and ultimately cruelly executed.  Tradition tells us that while in prison he prayed for the prison guard’s daughter who was healed of blindness.  Many other young people came to the goal to visit Valentine.  Some threw flowers and notes up to his window.  They wanted Valentine to know they were thankful that he would risk his life to marry them and accept their vows of love.  On the day that he died, February 14, 268 AD, Valentine left a note of love and encouragement for the jailor’s daughter in her new found faith, signed simply, ‘Your Valentine’.  The rest is history.  Now 1 billion valentine’s cards are exchanged with words of love and encouragement around the world. Sometimes the simplest encouragements in life have been paid for by others at great cost and often through the shedding of blood of someone’s precious life.

What’s this got to do with being a good father?  The greatest thing you can do for your children as a father is love your wife, ‘your beloved’.  Children need love more than food.  If you are a man you have a destiny to be a love leader in your family.  You don’t need an excuse to send a love note of appreciation to the wife of your youth, but Valentine’s Day gives you an opportunity to put your love into action.

Lovework

Two things to do this week.  Get a card or do something special for your wife in readiness for Valentine’s Day.  She deserves it.  Raising children and running a household is hard work.  Secondly, at the dinner table tell the story of Valentine’s Day to your children.  They need to hear it from you.  More importantly they need to see the story of Valentine and his heroic sacrifice of love in you every day of the year.

Yours for more Valentines

Warwick Marsh

____________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 28 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 22 years to 11 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Dads with Young Children

THE ART OF FATHERING  - WILD CHILD part 2

by Paul Sloan

My previous article mentioned the reality that children are all different, and that many have received the gift of “MORE”:

More Intense, More Persistent, More Sensitive, More Aware, More Slow-To-Adapt, More Irregular, More Energetic, More Moody.

It’s the ability to manage these “More’s” that Mary Sheedy Kurcinka suggests will help you enjoy your spirited/gifted child. The following provides briefly the signals inherent within these more’s, and possible ways to manage them.

More Intense: Loud dramatic spirited kids are easiest to spot. They don’t cry, they BELLOW. They’re noisy when they play, when they laugh, when they shower. But quiet, more observant kids can also be spirited – their intensity is inward, that’s all. Either way, there reactions are always powerful and their tantrums are spectacular!

…Management: Watch your child – how do his body movements change? What happens to his tone of voice? And next time he starts acting this way, move in and direct him before he loses control. Help him recognise the triggers, teach him how to calm down.

More Persistent: Spirited kids lock on to whatever it is they’re doing. They’re determined, won’t let go without a fight. They’re goal oriented, committed to their task. They love to argue and assert themselves. And getting a change of mind is a major challenge.

…Management: Persistent kids want it now! You can sometimes defuse a bomb by saying yes more than no. Sometimes you may have to do a deal: sometimes Coke, sometimes fruit. Aim for a win-win solution instead of a no-win war.

More Sensitive: Spirited kids react to the slightest noise, smell, touch, taste, texture, and change of mood. Crowds can overwhelm them; supermarkets can reduce them to tears. And getting dressed can bring on an itchy-scratchy fit. They soak up every emotion.

…Management: Your sensitive child is easily swamped by too much stimulation or stress – so reduce that stimulation or stress before he reaches melt down. Triggers may be fluorescent lights, flashing signs, strange smells, and a crowd of noisy rushing people on shopping day…not good. Watch for warning signs. Take him somewhere quiet or for a walk outside. You may have to finish your shopping another day?

More Aware: Spirited kids are easily distracted. Send them off to pick up their toys, and something else will catch their attention – instructions forgotten. It can take them 30 minutes to make the 30-second trip from car to house. They notice everything – mud in puddle, birds in a tree, and dew on a spider’s web.

…Management: Help your more perceptive child to “Tune-In”…turn off that TV and do your reading RIGHT NOW!! Remember: hearing instructions is hard work for spirited kids – so the message must be clear: Stop! Bed! Shoes! Eat!

More Slow To Adapt: Spirited kids wake up with plans! They hate surprises, and don’t cope easily with sudden change – TV going off, ending a game because it’s lunchtime, sleeping at home instead of Grandma’s. if they expect one thing and something else happens – Bamm! – all hell can break loose.

…Management: They need time to shift from doing one thing to another, so give them a strong daily routine with plenty of warning: “In 10 minutes I need you to stop and come inside” “When Dad gets home I want you to…” And let them know how proud you are when they cope well with a change – like getting in the car without a fuss.

More Irregular: Spirited kids struggle with any kind of schedule or routine. Knowing when they’ll sleep or eat or visit the loo is a mystery – they prefer doing things their way in their time. And it’s never the same two days running.

…Management: This child will not be hungry at dinnertime but is STARVING the moment you clear the table. But you CAN cut back on the angry flare-ups by being consistent – same thing, same time, everyday. And by being encouraging: “You’re really flexible”, “You’re full of surprises aren’t you!”’ You’ll make a great Doctor, Nurse, Pilot”…anyone who works crazy hours.

More Energetic: Most spirited kids never stop – and it’s often that raw, frenzied energy that tells a parent: “We’ve got a live one here!” Not all of them are smashers and leapers, but they can still wear you to a frazzle…always busy exploring, investigating, pulling things apart.

…Management: Spirited kids need to know: “You’re body’s full of energy, you like to learn by using your hands and feet”, “You’ll one day make a great athlete…” (Or tradesman, sports-person, farmer, whatever). And our job as parents? To keep them safe and teach them to use their energy in positive fun ways.

More Moody: Some spirited kids view the world as a serious place, and smiles can be far and few between. They can ask a lot, expect a lot, whine a lot and find fault with just about everything.

…Management: Roughly 50% of spirited kids are more serious, negative, and likely to cry. They don’t mean to appear sulky or ungrateful – they just see the world through more critical eyes. So teach them to respect others feelings, and express themselves more tactfully. And encourage them: “That’s a great suggestion!” “Tell me what you’ve enjoyed. Then tell me what you’d like to see different”

Whatever else you do, remember: your spirited kid is not out to GET you. It’s just the way she’s programmed. He’s just marching to the beat of a different drum. Your willingness to apply positive labels, talk things through, reduce the stress and stimulation…and this could make a huge difference to how the two of you get through today, tomorrow…and life. Remember: you can ENJOY your wild child!

Till Next Time, Paul
__________________________________________________________

Paul and his wife are the Children’s Ministry Coordinators for the Goodlife Community Centre in Buderim, QLD. Paul has children aged two, ten and thirteen years. Paul is an active surfer and a family man who hasn't lost his sense of humour.

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Grandads

Perfection in my Eyes

All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,
And for us to be together, to never be apart.

No one else in the world can even compare,
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

We have so much more than I ever thought we would,
I love you more than I ever thought I could.

I promise to give you all I have to give,
I'll do anything for you as long as I live.

In your eyes I see our present, our future and past,
By the way you look at me I know we will last.

I hope that one day you'll come to realize,
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.

by Ashley Borden

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Laughter

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?

A. Let me call you Tweet heart

***************************************************************************

What did the pencil say to the paper?
'I dot my i's on you !'

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Q. What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine's Day?
A. I love you a ton!

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Single Dads

Name Dilemma after Divorce.

by John Flanagan

Family break-up is now occurring more often. Unfortunately nearly one in two marriages currently end in divorce. An important issue then often arises as to what name children of separated families should be now referred to at school.

Frequently, the parent with whom the child is living will want to use a new name for their child. This may be contrary to the wishes of the other parent. Contrary to popular belief, a deed poll does not of itself change a person’s name - it is merely evidence of the change in the name.

The NSW Department of Education has a “School and Family Law” policy. To satisfy legal requirements, this policy states that the School Principal must enroll the student under the name indicated on the student’s birth certificate.

The Principal cannot enroll students under an alternative name or change existing records to indicate a new name. That is, unless certain specific requirements can be met by the enrolling parent. For example, one condition can be that the enrolling parent provides a signed consent from the other parent agreeing to the name change. However often this agreement cannot be obtained by the resident parent.

To avoid arguments with the resident parent, the Principal will normally allow the use of  a “known as name” on the school roll and other school records. This effectively bypasses the NSW Department of Education’s policy on enrolment procedures

The Department of Education needs to recognise that both parents have the right to participate in decisions that affect their children - not just the resident parent.

__________________________________________________________

John Flanagan.

John Flanagan has two (2) twin daughters aged 7 years. He is a non-resident parent.

John is also the Assistant Secretary of the Fairness in Child Support (F.I.C.S.) group located in Wollongong.

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Special Feature

Speech given at the Men as Fathers Forum,

Canberra, Thursday 5th February 2004

Two weeks ago I was driving home, from Canberra to Wollongong.  I usually descend the beautiful but treacherous Macquarie Pass, famous for its many hairpin bends.  My trip was interrupted when I reached a bus stuck on a corner.  This particular corner is the tightest and most dangerous of the hairpin bends on Macquarie Pass.  The bus driver was either trying to avoid the cars on the outside of the corner who were not giving him the room he needed, or maybe he had never been this way before himself.

Whatever the case he couldn’t make the turn in one complete sweep and had to back up the hill to gain more turning space.  It was then he realised he had misjudged the corner and grounded the rear of the bus on the steep incline.  He couldn’t go forward and he couldn’t go backward.  The coach completely blocked the road and the other cars and trucks rapidly began to bank up, both up and down the mountain.  Tempers began to flair as people jumped out of their vehicles to see what the problem was. Being a heavy vehicle driver myself I even got annoyed at the coach driver for not knowing what to do in this situation, forgetting about those other drivers who should have given the big bus more room to turn and thereby blocking the path for everyone except themselves.

What has this got to do with Men as Fathers – The Crisis in Families?

In the 50s, men came home from a war they should never have had to fight.  All of them had seen things they should never have had to see.  They buried themselves in making babies and working hard to get ahead, perhaps too hard.  This was a time of absentee fathers and many claim it was a time of family facades.  In the sixties the sex, drugs and rock & roll generation rebelled against those facades and in their search for meaning threw everything out and tried to start all over again.  I was one of those baby boomers and a devoted member of the sex, drugs and rock & roll generation.  Unfortunately the experiment didn’t work.  The grand social experiment in a valueless and fatherless society has failed miserably.

Currently we have over 100,000 abortions each year, soaring crime statistics, spiralling community violence, huge drug problems, child abuse and sexual molestation statistics increasing yearly and deviancy of all kinds becoming increasingly common, not to mention the fact that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce and family breakdown has now reached epidemic proportion.

The ‘if it feels good, do it’, ‘me-first’ generation has spawned a plethora of movements for more rights and less responsibilities.  It is now time for a change.

Our current family crisis and values vacuum in our upwardly mobile western society is not unlike the problem I encountered on Macquarie Pass that day as tempers frayed and the coach blocked the highway.  I wish I could say that I was part of the answer but I selfishly navigated around the coach because I didn’t have the time to work on the problem and I really didn’t quite know what to do anyway.

Unfortunately we have all detoured around the problems of our society and thought, ‘someone else can fix it’.  One of the major problems is the alarming increase of fatherlessness in our society.  We have over a million children, not living with their biological fathers in Australia today.  Canberra alone has over 15,000 children who suffer that heartbreak to a lesser or greater extent. Our fatherless society just perpetuates itself and the broken relationships get deeper and the hurt reproduces itself.  Our society is stuck just like the bus on Macquarie Pass.  If our society continues on its present course of self destruction, soon we won’t have a society.

What is the answer?

Quite simply we have to change from being a ‘me-first’ society to a ‘we-first’ society.  That change must come from within as we begin to acknowledge the problems together.  The Men as Fathers Forum is not about apportioning blame, but finding answers.  We as men must begin to find ourselves and become servant leaders in our families and in our society.  We must humbly accept responsibility where it is truly ours and get on with the restoration of fatherhood in ourselves and in our nation.  Why?  Because a fatherless society will lead to complete anarchy.  The restoration of fatherhood is also a restoration of motherhood, which is in itself a restoration of marriage. This will result in a renewal of families.  This is only just the beginning.  There is more to be said, but others can say it.

Thank God we have a Prime Minister who is keen to restore the importance of fatherhood.  Thank God we have an Opposition Leader who is himself a passionate father.  Thank God you are here. You presence shows you are part of the answer.

Let me finish my contribution by honouring a beautiful Aboriginal elder and friend who was himself stolen from his father when he was a young boy.  It doesn’t sound too dissimilar to what many young children go through today at the hands of the Family Court.  I believe it would be very fitting for Ps Peter Morgan to close my speech by saying a prayer for the fatherless children of Australia today.  Would you allow him to?

Warwick Marsh

Fatherhood Foundation

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Thought for the Week

The greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother

- ancient wisdom,

proved over the centuries -

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News & Info

Report – ‘Men as Fathers’ forum, Canberra

This public forum was attended by 100 people at the Legislative Assembly in Canberra.  It was a great success, but is only the beginning of the struggle for equity and justice for fathers in the Australian Capital Territory (ACT).  We now have to inundate the media and politicians of Canberra and the ACT with letters and emails of support for in Inquiry into the Status of Fathers in the ACT, similar to the inquiry held in South Australia last year.

MEDIA STATEMENT

MEN AS FATHERS: PROBLEMS & SOLUTIONS

PUBLIC MEETING DECLARATION

The gathering of Canberra's men at the Men as Fathers Forum on Thursday, 5th of February has been another historic milestone in the positive progress of the fathers and families of Canberra.

The Forum was convened by Jacqui Burke, Member for Molonglo.  We thank all the women who attended the forum and have supported us.

The Forum noted that fatherlessness has been shown to increase the likelihood of poverty, lower educational performance, criminal activity, drug use, suicidal behaviour and child abuse.  Fatherlessness costs Australia in excess of 13 billion dollars per year, according to Dr Bruce Robinson of the University of Western Australia.

The Forum unanimously agreed that children need a mother and a father.  Our society needs men and women who will say 'we first' instead of 'me first'. The divorce rate of all marriages in Australia is now 1 in 2.  Family breakdown has reached epidemic proportions.  One million children now live without their biological father in their home.  The rate of men's suicide is now greater than the national road toll.  Men are killing themselves at a rate four times that of women.  Many of these men are fathers in crisis. This crisis in fatherhood also affects our children

It is significant that as we release this statement to the media we have, standing with us, Ps Peter Morgan, an Aboriginal elder (81 years of age) who was taken away from his father when he was only four years old by the government of the day.  His experience is not dissimilar to what many young children go through today at the hands of the Family Court of Australia.

We look forward to the ACT Legislature accepting Jacqui Burke's motion for an inquiry into the status of fathers as has recently occurred in South Australia.  We believe it is time for the men and women of the ACT to work together for the benefit of our children.

We the men and fathers of Canberra ask the members of the Legislative Assembly to unite together and accept the motion for an inquiry into the status of fathers in the ACT.

For further information contact:

Dennis & Estelle O'Brien

Fatherhood Foundation ACT

Ph: 0412 247 721

Email: [email-masked]

Barry Williams

Lone Fathers' Association (ACT Inc)

Ph: 02 6258 4216

Email: [email-masked]

_________________________________________________________

Latham must make marriage matter

The Australian, February 04, 2004, Janet Albrechtsen

PUCKER up, Mr Latham. Conservatives will soon be queuing to embrace the new Opposition Leader. Finally, a Labor party politician talking about social realities and personal obligations. Finally, some real political opposition.

Last week's Labor Party conference signals that Mark Latham has discovered the essential truth: the vast bulk of the electorate is more socially conservative than your standard ALP fare. That is why he is on a winner with his recent, eminently sensible social policy edicts.

Pointing to the 600,000 children who live in single-parent households, Latham has promised to set up a national mentoring program. He told the conference: 'For boys without men in their lives this is a real issue: a lack of male mentors and role models teaching them the difference between right and wrong. I see this in my own community: boys who have gone off the rails. And lost touch with a thing called society.'

These are fine ideas that will resonate with voters who were left wondering if judgment-shy politicians would ever catch up with the social problems inflicted by a 30-year experiment in fatherlessness.

Latham has also been reminding people about their obligations, repositioning Labor away from a narcissistic rights agenda, to a more community-based notion of obligations. A sure sign Latham is successfully aligning himself with the voters are disgruntled comments over the weekend by left-wing female media commentators uncomfortable with all this talk of obligations.

However, if Latham is genuinely concerned about parenting, building stronger communities and hammering rungs into his ladder of opportunity, he will have to grapple with the most basic rung of all.

He will need to talk about the need to promote strong, stable marriages.

Why? Because children raised outside stable, low-conflict marriages do worse on just about every development score. Controlling for race and income, studies show that these children are more likely to have emotional or mental problems, have trouble in school, find friendships harder going, suffer greater risks of physical, sexual or emotional abuse.

Teenagers living apart from fathers are more likely to become teenage parents, more likely to commit crimes, take drugs, leave school early.

As laudable as it is, mentoring fatherless boys is just tinkering at the edges. And the beauty for Latham is that if he comes out in defence of marriage, he can do so, unlike US President George W. Bush and Prime Minister John Howard, without it being seen as some Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, as some throwback to the 1950s picket fence. He is perfectly placed to transform the picket fence palings into his ladder of opportunity. Even Democrat president Bill Clinton, with his scintillating philanderings, recognised that marriage is bigger than his own personal failings. Hence his Defence of Marriage Act which shored up marriage by excluding the notion of same-sex marriage.

As English conservative journalist Roger Scruton wrote last year, marriage is more than the bond between one man and one woman in time. It is a social contract where the dead and yet to be born are also parties. It is 'the principal forum in which social capital is passed on'.

As with same-sex marriages, the push to equate de facto relationships with marriage is misguided. Co-habitation is not marriage. Most people, when asked, express a long-term desire to get married. They don't say they want to settle down into a good de facto relationship.

The booming industry in thirty-something angst over being unmarried attests to the fact that marriage is still sought after. Think Bridget Jones, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or for the more cerebral, Rachel Greenwald's Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned At Harvard Business School. Staying single is not nearly as much fun as Sex and the City would have us believe.

And despite the statistics on divorce, most people enter marriage with a genuine belief of a long term 'I will' commitment. For co-habiting partners, it is more a case of 'I might' as the statistics on the breakdown of de facto relationships show. None of that would matter except for the growing number of children born into these much less stable homes.

The cultural vandalism already wrought on marriage is palpable. Yet last year David de Vaus, author of Diversity and Change in Australian Families, said it was pointless to describe the drift to single motherhood, and what he calls the 'until further notice' mentality in many modern relationships as good or bad. The purpose of public policy, he said, was to reflect societal changes. Ho hum. Another academic preaching moral relativism.

As a senior researcher at the Australian Institute of Family, de Vaus would be well versed on the devastating effects these changes have inflicted on children. Governments spend billions of dollars on health, education and welfare, keeping us safe on the roads, improving our well-being by sponsoring arts and sports. Why not marriage?

Latham's recent pronouncements represent the first thoughtful steps in a revolt against the modern Zeitgeist, where the smashing of taboos was necessarily viewed as progress. But he needs to go further in promoting stable marriages. Marriage education is one option. To encourage people to think about their obligations, some US states offer covenant marriage which commits parties to marriage counselling and makes divorce more difficult.

Doing nothing, continuing down the track of marriage-life, will only create a larger pool of boys in need of mentoring. The question is, once in power, how far will the Left let Latham go?

Links at :

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,8575889%5E7583,00.html

_________________________________________________________

Judge urges 800 men to stand by their kids

Dads of Destiny in Mississippi. Take the link.

http://www.clarionledger.com/news/0401/30/m01.html

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God

This guy Valentine is a pretty hard act to follow.

I mean fancy getting killed because you believe in love so much that you would marry people secretly who were in love.

Do you really believe in love that much God?

What’s that?

‘A man must love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’.

So what you’re saying is:

Not only do I have to follow St Valentine but I have to follow the example of your son, Jesus.

Now that’s why I’m talking to you ‘cos that is a hard one to follow!

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Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement
The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,

please mail your cheque or money order to:

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 440

WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520

AUSTRALIA

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